Five Ways to Stay Present When She Wants to Burn it All Down - Living with Severe PMS
Hormones can be tough. Trust me, I speak from experience. I suffer from a condition called PMDD, Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s like PMS on steroids. Its feels like your true essence has been kidnapped and replaced with the angriest, ugliest, saddest dragon-esque version of you.
I wasn’t always aware I had this. I grew up hearing that PMS was hard, and I assumed that’s what they meant. But over time it became clear to me that I wasn’t dealing with the same thing as the other women. One in twenty women experience PMDD, so this means that the majority of women do not - and its definitely not something openly discussed.
I want to preface this with the disclaimer that this is not coming from a “weak minded person.” I say this not to brag but to demonstrate how strong my mind is: I have double majored, achieved a doctorate, ran marathons, triathlons, sat in ten-hour-a-day-ten-day-silent meditation courses, given birth without pain meds, refused medication after surgery - you name it. I am in some ways the epitome of “mind over matter,” and yet every month, without fail, the happy go-lucky version of me slowly disappears — and she is replaced by a cruel shell of who I really am, and who I want to be. I loose patience, everything makes me want to cry — I hate myself — I hate life itself.
At the age of forty, yes, twenty five years after living with this condition, I discovered this is something far more sinister than PMS. PMDD is the evil stepmother to PMS. And like so many aspects of women’s health, it is a very under-researched and poorly understood condition. To give you the basics, the body stops producing serotonin after ovulation, so that by the time the woman is about to menstruate, she is biologically unhappy. In fact, 15% of women with this condition attempt suicide. No amount of positive thinking can override this. Period.
My best friend and I discuss all the different ways we tackle our PMDD, while trying to live a conscious, spiritually-directed life, in our podcast, This Spiritual Fix. And what I have come to recognize, slowly, and eventually, is that my PMDD is just as deserving as love as the beautiful, happy parts of me. As Matt Kahn says it so succinctly, when we are in pain, “we deserve more love, not less.”
What about the people who have to live with someone suffering with PMDD? Given this condition is not very well understood by the people experiencing it, what about the people in relationship with us? As far as I can tell, there is no guidebook called, “Loving a Woman Who Tries to Burn the World Down Every Month.” I shudder to think about how many relationships and marriages have ended because of a lack of understanding or strategies for this dis-ease. I have put together a list of ways my husband and I have discovered have helped me get through my hell days. Keep in mind, for some women, its’ a hell week. Wrap your mind around this for a moment. Imagine that out of every four weeks of your life one week is spent in hell; one week is spent recovering from that hell; and a few days are spent fearfully anticipating that hell.
We want to burn everything down during our hell week. Even our relationship with you, who we adore. While it is our cross to bear, here are five ways you can show up, mindfully, in the presence of this condition, if it inflicts the woman you love:
Staying present in the face of hell
1) Track Her Cycle
Yes, be prepared. There are apps like Clue that will track her cycle and she can share this data with you. You can also use a free resource like google calendars. Being prepared is going to be the first step for you (and her) to stay present in the face of this Beast. Trust me, it is coming.
2) Don’t Take Anything Personally
Because I track my cycle I try to give my husband the warning, “starting tomorrow don’t take anything I say personally.” We laugh, because we know that without fail I will try to pick a fight with him. Through my meditation practice I have come to recognize that often I would create conflict and drama with my partner, simply to distract myself from all that was going on inside me. If the drama was outside me, I didn’t have to really sit with what I was feeling with on the inside which was usually a hundred times more painful than the bullshit distraction I created.
My husband finds refuge during this time through the teachings of David Deida, he understands staying present without reacting. He understands my unconscious need to test his love. He says that sometimes he will even engage in a little argument with me with as much detachment as possible, simply because he understands I need to blow off steam.
And if I am convinced that there is a pressing issue we need to argue about my husband will write it down. We make a list of my grievances and decide together that they will be best tackled when I feel myself again. The funny thing is, when my serotonin levels are back to normal, all of the issues that seemed so life-or-death now seem almost comical.
3) Take Charge of Executive Decision Making
Your partner may forget to shower, she may forget to eat, she may forget to change clothes. As much as possible try to make these kind of executive decision making tasks for her. Draw her a bath, encourage her to eat. Order take-out. Use paper plates. As much as possible, let her house-hold responsibilities and pressure slide.
4) Honor Her Physical Needs
Most women with this condition want to be hugged a little longer. But this isn’t everyone. Some women will want sex because that boost of feel-good hormones help. Other''s don’t want to be touched sexually in any way because they are not comfortable in their own skin. Find out what she prefers during this time, and try your best to deliver it.
5) Give Her Reassuring Distance
During my PMDD episodes, all I want to do is retreat from the world: lay in bed, binge on Netflix, and stay as far away from others as possible. “If I can stay away from you, I won’t hurt you,” I tell myself. Allow your partner, if she is like this too (and my guess is she is), hibernate from the world. She may need to lock herself up. Reassure her that this hell week is temporary, that you still love her, that you are giving her the space she craves out of love and not abandonment.